Jun 30, 2009

SPEAK ENGLISH WOULD YOU

I received this in an email today and thought I would share it. I seem to vaguely remember George Carlin doing a routine like this.

You think English is easy???

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row ...

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP ,you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP ...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so........it is time to shut UP !

Oh . . . one more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

6 comments:

  1. These are all reasons why I love English - I never get tired of language humor.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fantastic post, Lori! I loved reading all the various double (often triple) meanings and sounds of words spelled the same way. Brava!

    Thank you for sharing this fabulous bounty of English language folly.

    Hugs,
    Lola

    ReplyDelete
  3. Weird:

    CARES, LARGES, and PRINCES are examples of plural words that become singular words (caress, largess and princess) with another added S

    ReplyDelete
  4. Now you know how it feels to try to teach grade school kids..... LOL hugs, Sue

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. I appreciate every one of them and respond to all.

Labels

911 (1) ABBY STOKES (1) ABORIGINAL (1) ACCOMPLISHMENTS (1) ADS (10) AFRICA (1) AGASSIZ (1) AGE (1) AGING (7) ALL ABOUT YOU LISTS (add your list too) (1) ALLERGIES (2) ALVIN (1) ALZHEIMERS (1) ANIMALS (6) ANNIVERSARY (8) ANTIOXIDANTS (1) Antique (1) ANTIQUES (4) APOLOGY (1) APPLE PIE (1) APPLIANCES (1) APPRECIATION (1) APPS (2) ARCHITECHTURE (1) ARCHIVES (1) ARIZONA (1) ARTISTIC ENDEAVORS (29) ARTISTS (4) ASPARAGUS (1) ATTA GIRL (16) AUCTIONS (1) AUTISM (1) AUTUMN (3) AWARDS (31) BABIES (1) BABY SHOWERS (2) BABYSITTING (1) BACK PORCH ANTIQUES (1) BACON (1) BAD BEHAVIOR (1) BAD IDEAS (4) BAD LUCK (1) BAKERY (1) BAKING (1) BALSAMIC VINEGAR (1) BARBECUE (3) BARN HOUSE ANTIQUES (1) BARNYARD BASH (1) BASKETBALL (2) Battle of Princeton (1) BB GUY (9) BEANS (1) BEARS (6) BEEF (15) BERRIES (1) BIG FEAST BISTRO (1) BILL OLIVER (1) BILLS (2) Bird (1) BIRD HOUSE (1) BIRDS (4) BIRTHDAY (9) Blog (4) BLOG BUDDIES (5) Blog problems. (2) BLOGGERS (4) BLOGGIE AWARDS (3) BLOGGING (6) BLOGS (56) BLUEBERRIES (2) BODIES (2) BONSAI (1) BOOKS (2) BOXING DAY (2) BOYAN SLAT (1) BRAGFEST (1) BREAKFAST (2) BREAST CANCER (1) BRITISH COLUMBIA (9) BUCKET LIST (1) BULLYING (1) BURGERS (1) BUTCHART GARDENS (2) CABBAGE ROLLS (1) CABIN (15) CABIN STORIES (25) CALENDAR (1) CALL CENTRES (1) CANADA (5) CANADA DAY (5) CANCER (5) CANDY (1) CANNING (3) CANUCKS (2) CARNIVAL OF GENEALGOY (2) CARS (5) Cat (1) CATS (6) CATTLE (1) CELEBRATIONS (1) CENTENARIANS (1) CHANGING TIMES (1) CHARITY (3) CHEESE (2) CHEESECAKE (2) CHERNOBYL (1) CHERRY TREES (1) CHICKEN (11) CHILDHOOD (1) CHILDREN (4) CHLORIDE (1) CHOCOLATE (2) CHRISTMAS (26) CINCO DE MAYO (1) CLARK LITTLE PHOTOGRAPHY (2) CLEANING (1) CLOTHING (2) COALMONT (1) COCKTAILS (1) Coffee (2) COFFEE GROUP (22) COINCIDENCE (1) COLDS (2) COLLECTIONS (48) COMMENTS (10) COMMERCIALS (3) COMMETS (1) COMMON SENSE (1) COMMUNICATION (1) COMMUTE (1) COMPUTER LESSONS (5) COMPUTERS (30) CONCERTS (2) CONTESTS (12) COOKING (56) COPING WITH CHRISTMAS (1) COPYRIGHT (1) CORNUCOPIA (1) COUGHING (1) COUNTRY (1) Crafts (2) CRANBERRY SAUCE (1) CRIME (1) CROSS STITCH (1) CRUELTY (1) CUPCAKES (2) CURRY (1) CUSTOMER SERVICE (1) DANCING (5) DANGEROUS (2) DARVONDA NURSERIES (1) DARWIN AWARDS (1) DAYLIGHT SAVING (1) DAYLILY (3) DEATHS (3) DECORATING (6) Decorative Painting (1) DEER (1) DENNIS HOPPER (1) DESSERTS (6) DIAPER CAKE (4) DIAPER MOTORCYCLE (1) DINNER (5) DISSATISFIED (1) DOCTORS (2) DOCUMENTARY (1) DOGS (16) Dogue Brasileiro (1) DOING WHAT IS RIGHT (2) DOMAINS (1) DR. OZ (1) DREAMS (1) DRINKS (3) DRIVING (3) DRUNKENESS (1) DUNCAN (2) E COLI (1) EARTHQUAKE (1) EASTER (1) ECOLOGY (2) EMAIL (3) EMPANADAS (1) ENDERBY (1) ENOUGH (1) Eric Burdon (1) ETHICS (1) EXHAUSTED (1) F-BOMB FRIDAY (2) FACEBOOK (6) FACEBOOK BUSINESS MANAGER (1) FAERIES (2) FAIRS (1) FALL (8) Family (7) FAMILY BIBLES (1) Family tree (1) FAMILY. (10) FARMER'S MARKET (3) FARMING (1) FATHER'S DAY (1) FAUJA SINGH (1) FAVORITE (1) FEATURED ARTISTS (1) FERRIES (1) FERTILIZER FRIDAY (1) FETA CHEESE (1) FIREPLACE (1) FIREWORKS (1) FIRST NATIONS (1) FISH (4) FLAGS (1) FLORIST (1) FLOWERS (7) FOG (1) FOLLOWERS (1) FOOD LOVE (1) FOOD POISONING (1) FOOD STORAGE (1) FOOD. (8) FOODIE FRIDAY (34) FOREST FIRES (2) Fourth of July (1) FRIDAY (1) FRIDAY FUNNY (3) FRIENDS (22) FRIGIDAIRE (1) FRUIT (8) FRUSTRATION (2) FUN (4) FUNDRAISER (7) FUNKY JUNK (1) FURNITURE (1) GADGETS (3) GARAGE SALES (2) GARDEN (9) GARDENS (28) GARLIC (1) GARLIC BREAD (1) GENEALOGY (39) GEORGE CLOONEY (1) George Washington (1) GIFTS. (7) GIFTSTORES (1) GIFTWRAP (2) GIVEAWAYS (17) GLAMOUR (3) GOING WITH THE FLOW (1) GOOGLE (1) GOOGLE READER (1) GREAT GATSBY (1) GREEN MEN (1) GREEN TEA (1) GUACAMOLE (1) GUEST WRITER (4) GUITARS (2) GUNS (1) HACKERS (1) HAIKU (2) HAIR (3) HAIR JEWELRY (1) Halibut (2) HALLELUJAH (1) HALLOWEEN (2) HAM RADIO (1) HANGOVERS (1) HAPPY (2) HAPPY 101 (1) HARRIS' STEAKHOUSE (1) HATERS (1) HEALTH (20) HERBS (2) HIGHWAYS (1) HINTS (2) HISTORY (6) HOCKEY (4) HOLIDAYS (3) HOLLYWOOD (1) HOME AND GARDEN (36) HOME BUYING (1) HOME OFFICE (1) HOME. (6) HORSES (3) HOT ITALIAN SAUSAGES (1) HOUSE DAMAGE (1) HOUSEHOLD TIPS (2) http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifOUTDOOR WEDNESDAY (1) HUDSON RIVER SLOOP (1) Hummingbird (2) Humor (26) HUMOR. (81) HUMOUR (93) I SAY HMMMM (1) ICE FISHING (1) INSECTS (2) INSPIRATION (4) INSURANCE (1) INTEREST (1) INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY (1) INTERNET (3) INVENTIONS (3) IPHONES (1) IRONY (1) ISSUES (2) ITALY (3) JAM (2) JANUARY (1) JAPAN (1) JAZMIN (1) JELLY (1) JEWELRY (1) JOBS (1) JOHNNY DEPP (1) JOKES (1) JOSH JENKINS (2) JOURNEY (1) JOY (1) KARL MALONE (1) KATZIE BAND (1) KEEPING IN TOUCH (1) KIDS (5) KINDNESS (2) KOBO READER (1) KREATIVE BLOGGER (1) LAKE SUPERIOR (1) Langley (1) LASAGNE (1) LAUNDRY (2) LAW (2) LAWYERS (1) LEAKY PIPE (3) LEFTOVER WINE (1) LEMIRE (1) LEPP FARM (1) Library and Archives Canada (1) LIFE (98) LIMBERT FARMS (1) LINDA GUMMER (1) LITTERING (1) LIVING (1) LOTTERY (2) LOUIS HEBERT (3) LOVELY BLOG AWARD (1) LUNCH (4) MAGAZINE (3) MAMMOGRAMS (1) MANSIONS (1) MANTLE (2) MARIE ROLLET (1) MARIJUANA (1) MARKET (3) MARKETING (1) MARRIAGE (2) MASSAGE (1) MATH (1) MATTHEW WATT (1) MAXINE (7) ME EITHER (22) MEDICINE (2) MELLOW YELLOW MONDAYS (4) MEMES (180) MEMORIES (5) MEN (5) MENTAL ILLNESS (1) Mesothelioma (1) METABOLISM (1) METAMORPHOSIS MONDAY (15) Metis (1) METIS. VETERANS (1) MEXICO (1) MICE (1) MIGRAINES (1) MILITARY (1) MOANS (1) MOLES (1) MOM (2) MONEY (1) MONIQUE LUM (1) MONSANTO (1) MOOSE (1) MOSAIC MONDAY (23) MOSAICS (2) Mothers (1) MOTHERS LINE (5) MOTIFAKE (1) MOTORCYCLES (1) MOURNING JEWELRY (1) MOVIES (3) MOVING (8) MOZEY-ON-INN (1) MR. ROGERS (1) Music (4) MUSIC. (4) MY GUITAR PAL (1) MYSTERY PERSON (1) NAMES (1) NATURE (9) NEIGHBOURS (1) NESTING (1) New France (1) NEW YEARS (2) NEW YEAS EVE (6) NEWPAPERS (1) NEWS (4) NICK BRANDT (1) NIGHT SKY (1) NOTE TO SELF (4) OCEANS (2) OLD AGE (1) OLD PHOTOS (1) OLYMPICS (3) ONLINE SECURITY (1) ORANGES (1) ORGANIZATION (1) OSTEOPOROSIS (1) OUTDOOORS (1) OUTDOOR WEDNESDAY (32) p (1) PACKAGING (1) PAJAMAS (1) PARADES (1) Parenting (3) PARTY (2) PASTA (1) Patio/Deck (1) Pets (1) PHOTOGRAPHS (10) PHOTOGRAPHY (9) PILOTS (2) PINK PUMPKINS (1) PINTEREST (1) PIZZA (3) PLAGIARISM (1) PLASTIC SURGERY (1) PLAYING FOR CHANGE (1) POACHING (1) POEM (1) POISON (1) POLICE (2) POLLS (1) POLLUTION (1) POND (1) POPPIES (1) PORK (10) PORTLAND (3) POSITIVE MESSAGE (1) POSTCARDS (1) POWER OUTAGE (1) PPS FILE (21) PRIDE (1) PRIME RIB (1) PRIVACY (1) PROBLEMS (2) PRODUCT REVIEW (2) PRODUCTS (1) PROTEST (1) PULLED PORK (1) PUMPKIN (1) PUMPKINS (5) QUARANTINE (1) Quebec (2) RACCOONS (1) RAIN (1) RANDOM (77) RANT (9) RATS (1) RCMP (2) READING (1) REAL ESTATE (1) RECALL (1) RECIPES (26) RECOMMENDATIONS (2) RELATIONSHIPS (1) RELAXING (1) REMEDIES (1) REMEMBRANCE DAY (2) REMINDERS (1) REPEAT POST (7) REPORTING (1) REPOST (3) RESEARCH (1) RESOLUTIONS (1) RESTAURANTS (8) RETIREMENT (1) RIBS (1) RICE (1) ROAD TRIP (8) RoadTrip (1) ROCK AND ROLL (2) ROCKAWAY REST HOME (1) ROCKS (1) ROMANIAN (1) ROOSTERS (3) ROSA'S CUCINA (1) ROSES (1) ROYALTY (1) SAD (2) SAFETY (1) SAISON (1) SALAD (5) SALSA (2) SAN FRANCISCO (4) SANTA (61) SAUCES (2) SAUSAGES (1) SAVINGS (1) SCAMS (2) SCHOOL (2) SCIENCE (3) SCRAPBOOKING (3) SEAFOOD (1) SEARS (1) SEASONS (1) SERENDIPITY (3) SEWERS (1) SHAME (1) Shopping (10) Sidney British Columbia (1) SILLY SUNDAY (2) SINGING (1) SISTERS (5) SIXTIES (1) SKY (1) SKYTRAIN (1) SLEEP (6) SLEEPOVER (1) SMALL TALK SIX (3) SMOKED MEAT (1) SMOKERS (1) SNORING (1) SNOW (3) SNOWMOBILES (2) SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE (2) SOCIAL MEDIA (5) SONS OF ARTHRITIS (1) SOUP (1) SOUPS (4) SPAM (3) SPINAL CORD INJURY (1) SPORTS (3) SPRING (5) SPRINKLERS (1) STAINED GLASS (2) STARS (1) START UP (1) STATS (2) STEALING (1) STORIES OF MY ANCESTORS (2) STORMS (3) STOVE (1) STRESS (1) STUFFING (2) STUPID PEOPLE (2) SUBSCRIPTIONS (2) SUCCESS (1) SUFFRAGIST (1) SUMMER (4) SUMMER SUNDAYS (1) SUNDAY FAVORITES (41) SUNSET (2) SUNSHINE AWARD (1) SUPERIOR SCRIBBLER (1) SUPERSTITIONS (1) SURPRISES (1) SUSHI (1) SWANS (1) Swartz Bay British Columbia (1) TABLESCAPE THURSDAY (9) TAG (2) TAILGATING (1) TANDOORI (1) TARA JEAN POPOWICH (2) TATTOOS (1) TEACHERS (3) TECHNOLOGY (4) TEENS (1) TEETHING (1) TEMPLATES (1) TGIF (1) THANKS (1) THANKSGIVING (5) THE CAMINO (1) THE VOICE (1) THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GIGGLE THURSDAY (1) THINKING ABOUT YOU (1) Thomas Cadwalader (1) THREE OR MORE TUESDAY (3) THREE OR MORE TUESDAYS (23) TOLE PAINTING (15) TOMATO SAUCE BASE (1) TOMATOES (1) TOTEMS (2) TRAGEDY (1) TRANSIT (1) TRAVEL (9) TREAT YOURSELF THURSDAY (5) TULIPS (1) TURKEY (2) TV (1) TWITTER (1) USA (2) VACATION (4) VALENTINE'S DAY (2) VANCOUVER (4) Vancouver Island (8) VEGETABLES (12) VIDEO (3) VINTAGE (7) VIRUSES (4) w (1) WALL WEDNESDAYS (2) WAR (1) WATERCOLOR (1) WATERY WEDNESDAY (4) WEATHER (7) WEDDINGS (3) WEDNESDAY WORDS (3) WEEDS (1) WEEKENDS (1) WELLNESS (1) Whale watching (1) WHALES (1) Wii ADD ONS (1) WILDLIFE (3) WIND (1) WINE (15) WINE JELLY (1) WINNER (1) WINTER (4) WISDOM (1) WOMEN (8) WOOLWORTH (1) WORK (14) WORLD (1) WORLD TRADE CENTER (1) WREATH (1) WRITER'S CHALLENGE (19) YANN ARTHUS-BERTRAND PHOTOGRAPHY (1)
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...