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Jan 16, 2010

THE BATHROOM CHRONICLES


This delightful description of what we go through was sent to me in an email. Author is unknown.

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.
In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.


You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a chewing gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.


As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public toilets. It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other girl can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.



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21 comments:

Journey said...

THIS IS PRICELESS!!!

Blondie's Journal said...

This is hysterical, Lori and has certainly happened to me!

xoxo
Jane

Ali said...

That was funny. Painfully so.

Ali

Gail said...

Funnnnyy!

Happy To Be/ Gl♥ria said...

Too Funny Lori and all so true...Why am I lol !! May you have a great day my friend and thanks for the laugh I needed hat so bad today...Hugs and smiles Gl♥ria

mbkatc230 said...

So true, so true! We stopped at a rest area on the way back from Florida one year - not a single stall had any toilet paper. So at 2 AM Cait and I stumbled back out to the car, grabbed the toilet paper that we bought for the rental house and saved the day for ALOT of women! Yes, we had "squares to spare"! Kathy

mudmama said...

Love it!!! Following you now via Michele at Finding Trinity!

claudie said...

Everything is soooooo true. How many freakin times has this happened to me.
Men have it so damn easy.
Good one Lori
Love Claudie
xoxo

Joanne said...

Hysterical, True and o so funny - you nearly had me rip a stitch! LOL. It's so funny that the same things happen in womens loos (translation=toilets) all over the world eh! Thank you so much for your lovely comments on my earlier post - it's great to be back. Thanks also for the award. I will get around to updating, but I am pacing myself and still sleeping every 5 minutes LOL x

Lindy Lou said...

I learned long ago, while visiting the Blarney Stone, that there is just no good reason for a woman to wait in the long, looooong line for the ladies' washroom when a suitable alternative exists. That's right, the men's room. I am that woman who diverts to the men's rooom any and every time there is a lineup for the ladies. I have never had a man turn me away...in fact, I've had men hold the stall door closed for me when the latch wouldn't lock (or there just wasn't one). I've had a man stand guard at the door until I was finished, in a one-room, do all, toilet and urinal room. Ladies, always divert to the men's room. Its not worth waiting for the ladies...

Deb said...

I'm laughing so hard...haven't we all been in that position a time or two....

Michael Lee West said...

This is hilarous! Bonnie told me that Frances Mayes has a new book, A Year in the Life, so you might want to check that out, too. I so wanted to paint our house peach with green shutters, but my builder said, You can't do that. Everybody'll call it the pink house. :-)

Michele said...

"You remember the tiny tissue that
you blew your nose on yesterday"

PEE'D A LITTLE IN MY PANTS reading that!!!

That was hysterical, and sooo true!
Great post!!!

ps. You're my "Cool site of Day"
I "heart" you.

Muddy Boot Dreams said...

Still one of my most favorite emails to receive. Love it, and isn't it so true.

BTW I will only use Wallymart, or the big M's washrooms, drives Gar nuts.

No gas station lineups for me. I would rather hold it for hours.

Jen

Foley said...

I never tire of reading this...I've seen it over the years and is just as funny as the first time!

Kammy said...

ROFL !!!!!
That is soooo funny and a bit soooo true - I hate some of those automatic waters - especially when they don't work - I give up on the towels and just do the shake, shake thing with my hands !
Kammy
p.s. got to 50 degrees today ....

Tootsie said...

OMG this was hilarious!
thanks for the laugh!

Linda at Lime in the Coconut! said...

Oh! Been there done that....you tell it all so perfectly. My thighs are shaking as I read!!!

wheelboy said...

very funny Lori. Now I understand all about woman's loos. Some time ago I did a post on disabled toilets. I will find it and post it here.

matron said...

I have to agree with all the above comments--hilarious,fabulous and very true.,Women's toilets must be the same in every country in the world.I have to spend a penny often and have had this experience a lot,I never go out with out a wad of tissues in my bag for just this occasion.I also have a handbag size pack of sterile wipes for the toilet seat because my mother raised me with the knowledge of public toilet horrors,true or not ,I find my self doing everything in your post.

MiMi said...

I can't squat. Seriously, I can NOT do the hover. My legs are too short.

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